Me: So hi, and thanks for doing this. We’re running Slices of Life on the Facebook page on Wednesdays and- um... what’s that sound in the background?
Lassiter: You don’t want to know.
Me: *clearing throat* Okay, so let’s start with an easy one. What’s your favorite food?
L: Anything that’s made by someone else. *more of that sound*
Me: Favorite actor?
Me: Umm... he’s not an actor?
L: He’s one cool cat, though.
Me: *blinks* *switches phone to other ear**ignores sound* Okay, how about favorite color.
Me: Um, you’re not a color-
L: I’m also my favorite food.
Me: *muttering* This is like a Beck song. Ah, favorite music?
L: Right now, I’m listening to “Be Great” by Kevin Ross.
Me: Oh! I like that one, too!
L: It’s about me.
L: Great is my middle name. *rustling* So it’s about me.
Me: Wait, on that theory, Charlie Brown and the Great Pumpkin is-
L: Also about me. *more of the noise* As is “Great Balls of Fire.”
Me: Have I mentioned how glad I am that this is not in person.
L: Afraid of me showing you my great balls? They’re-
Me: RIGHT. Moving on, how about favorite season?
L: I like all of them. *more of the sound* Especially when I’m naked in the sun- I could be in the pool, in a snow bank, a pile of leaves, a patch of grass. I’m the Four Seasons of bucka$$ perfection.
Me: Do you say these things just to drive people crazy?
L: Oh! Good question. Yes, of course. Duh.
Me: If you could play any instrument, what would it be?
L: My own horn. *rustling* And I’m a virtuoso, thank you very much.
Me: Oh, I didn’t know you were musically inclined. What kind of horn is it?
Me: I walked into that one, didn’t I.
L: Hey! Is that a question? Cuz the answer is YES. *laughs*
Me: What is your greatest fear?
L: Next question.
Me: You won’t answer that?
L: Nope. And that counts as an answer.
Me: This isn’t going well.
L: I’m enjoying myself. *more of that noise*
Me: Okay, um... let me see. I’ve lost count of how many we’ve done. How about this one, favorite TV show?
L: Too many to count! Right now though, it’s Ghost Brothers. OMG, they are awesome!
Me: Oh, I saw an epi this past Saturday! They were doing this house in Ohio- it was part of the Underground Railroad?
L: Saw it! “Are there any beings-”
Me: “-besides me-”
L: “-and Juwan in this room.” *laughs*
Me: *laugh* Juwan is HOT. I liked when they were taking on the ghost in the barn, yelling at him. I was like, FINALLY, someone throws it down to the afterlife!
L: Everyone needs to watch that show. They are legit. And as you know, I’m a fan of old school TV like The Munsters, MTM, I Love Lucy- also the talk shows.
Me: Okay, about the calendar you did. Will that ever be commercially available?
L: *laughs hard* Well, I was going to sell it, but I bought all my own copies and I have a plan for them. An epic, f**king plan for them.
Me: What is- oh, God, I have to ask. What the hell are you doing? I know you have me on speaker phone, and the noise is-
L: I’m stapler-ing, okay? It’s entirely innocent. Well, kinda.
Me: I don’t think that’s a word.
L: Innocent? True. Least not when I’m around a female.
Me: Ah, no. Stapler-ing is not a word. But I’m guessing you’re using a stapler.
L: Yes! Hey another question down. And I’m finished. *rustling* This is amazing. Just amazing. God, I’m good.
Me: Do I want to know what “it” is?
L: You’re going to find out in three... two...
*sound of door opening*
Rhage: What.... what the &*^%@^%^$#*(_@* did you do to my *(^#%*)*(&^&*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: What’s happening? Hello? What’s going... hello? Oh! That sounds like someone got hit! What the hell-
Rhage: *rustling the phone* Challa?
Me: Yes? Hi! Are you okay?
L: *in the background* He’s out of control! I got a black eye!
Me: What- can someone please tell me what’s going on?
Rhage: You know that calendar he did? The naked one?
Me: No. Tell me he didn’t-
Rhage: He pulled out the pages and stapled them all around my room. Like the sh** is wallpaper! *muffled* Those holes are not going to grow back, motherf**ker!
L: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID.
*more sounds of fighting*
Me: *shaking head* Um, I’m just going to end here. I got... nothing.
L: *in background* He gave me a black eye!
Rhage: *once again close* Yeah, I gotta go and give him another one on the other side so he matches. Later.
Me: Bye...? Call Jane if someone needs stiches!
*hangs up**hangs head**wonders, not the for the first time why I don’t drink*
Copyright c J. R. Ward, 2016
Ich bin fantastisch....Aszendent "leck mich"....und bevor du fragst...ich wurde geschaffen...nicht geboren....